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`The
quest for knowledge is every Muslim's duty.' (Hadith from Ibn Maja)
`You will not
have faith until you love one another.' (Hadith from Muslim)
ABANDONMENT. A major sin.
Imam al-Ghazali records: `It is related that if a man runs
away from his family, Allah will not accept his prayer or his fasting until he
returns home.'
ABORTION. The Prophet (s)
believed that every conceived child had a right to life, and there are strong
Quranic ayats against the killing of children. `Do not
slay your children for fear of poverty. We provide for you and for them.'
(6:151)
Every human being has a living
soul, and should be loved, respected, and have his or her proper place in a
family. Muslim jurists are of the unanimous view that after the foetus has been
given a soul by Allah, it is forbidden to kill it. An unborn child has legal
rights, depending whether it was formed and showing signs of independent life.
If it was, and if someone hurt a pregnant woman and she miscarried, full diya
(blood compensation) has to be paid, just as for an adult person. A foetus can
also inherit. The janaza prayer is performed for a `formed' foetus, and it is
given a name. If the foetus is not `formed', janaza is prohibited.
The majority of jurists are of
the opinion that the soul does not enter the body of the unborn baby until the
time it is `ensouled' (nafh al-ruh), which is in the sixteenth week of
pregnancy; and if an abortion is absolutely necessary, it has to be performed
before that time. The Hanafis permit abortion until the end of the fourth month.
Others, particularly the Maliki scholars, feel that the matter of when the soul
enters the foetus is unproven, and therefore prohibit abortion absolutely.
The Hanafis grant women the
right to an abortion even without the man's permission, but urge that this not
be done without genuine and pressing reasons.
After `ensoulment', abortion is
only allowed if the pregnancy will endanger the mother's life, the principle
being that the real life of the mother takes precedence over the potential life
of the unborn child.
A casual attitude to abortion
has developed in a few countries, where it is often used routinely whenever
contraception fails, but it is now increasingly realised that many women who
have abortions in order to solve one problem end up with psychological problems
later on as the result of the guilt and sadness of destroying their unborn
child.
ABSTINENCE. Sometimes a couple
decides to live without sex for a period of time. This is not generally
advisable in a marriage, because if can lead to a range of inhibitions and
problems. If both parties wish to rest from sex, then that is their business.
Both partners have to agree, of course, as the Shari'a forbids either to
renounce sex without the other's permission. There is a danger, however, that
marital relations may not start up again, and the man and wife may be attracted
to others. Islam is alert to the need to prevent adultery, and therefore sees
abstinence as encouraging a temptation that is unnecessary.
`Allah
desires ease for you, and He does not desire hardship for you.' (Quran,
2:185)
There
is a hadith of Salman al-Farisi to Abu'1-Darda', whose wife had begun to neglect
herself because she was so depressed by her husband's lack of care for her:
`Allah has rights over you, and so do your wife and children. So try to fulfill
all these rights. The fulfillment of one duty should not cause the negligence of
others.' When the Prophet (s) was informed about this, he said that Salman was
right. (Bukhari.)
See also
`Celibacy'.
AGE. It is generally best if the
husband is older than his bride, because women seem to mature more quickly, and
also because he will be better able to support her financially.
As far as the sex drive goes,
this diminishes far less quickly with age than is commonly imagined. Sexual
activity will continue well into the sixties and even seventies, provided that
the couple have developed an active and varied sex life from early marriage, and
have taken steps to avoid getting bored.
AIDS. This terrible disease is
transmitted sexually, or through the sharing of hypodermic needles. Most victims
are homosexuals, but it is now spreading among the heterosexual population as
well, and some unfortunate children are being born with it. The only protection
is to go into your marriage without previous illicit sexual contact, and to
remain faithful to your partner.
The Blessed
Prophet remarked:
`Never
does immorality appear among a people to the extent that they make it public,
but that there shall appear among them plagues and agonies unknown to their
forefathers.' (Malik, Muwatta')
It is hardly necessary to
remark that men and women who have come to (or come back to) Islam from a
promiscuous background should have an AIDS test before they get married.
For some
palliatives for AIDS in Islamic medicine, see Chishti, T
ANAL INTERCOURSE. Some people
find this gratifying, although most women do not, and are grateful that the
Prophet (s) spoke out strongly against it. Abu Hurayra
reported that he said:
`Do not
approach women from the anus.' (Tirmidhi.)
`Allah
will not look at the face of he who has committed sodomy with his wife.'
(Ibn Maja.)
This practice still seems to be
quite common in some societies, and is a very traumatic thing for a woman to be
forced to submit to. It has been used as a method of contraception, of not
spoiling a girl's virginity, or as a novel method of intercourse in a tighter
`channel' than the vagina. According to the Hanbali
scholar Ibn alQayyim:
`It is the
right of the wife that her husband should have natural sexual relations with
her. By committing sodomy he deprives her of her right, and also fails to
satisfy her sexual desire ... She was not created for this dirty act. Hence all
those who avoid the natural course and indulge in unnatural means have ignored
the wisdom of Allah and His Shari'a.' (Ibn al-Qayyim, Zad al-Ma'ad)
Incidentally, it should be made
clear than when the Prophet (s) sanctioned `intercourse from behind', he did not
mean anal intercourse, but vaginal intercourse from behind. But there is nothing
wrong with enjoying the areas nearby. Imam Zabidi says:
`To enjoy the backside without entering the rectum is permissible, because with
that exception, all parts of a woman's body may be enjoyed by the husband.'
(Ithaf al-Sada al-Muttaqin, V 331.)
ARBITRATION (tahkim). In cases
where the spouses seem unable to resolve a dispute, it is useful to put it to
arbitration. The Holy Quran explains how this is to be done: `If you fear a
split between the two of them, then appoint an arbiter from his family and an
arbiter from her family. If they wish for reconciliation, then Allah will
reconcile them. For Allah was ever Knowing, Aware.'
(4:35)
ARRANGED MARRIAGE. A good thing
if all parties are happy with the match. It is not permissible in Shari'a for a
woman to be married against her will.
A'isha,
may Allah be pleased with her, once asked the Prophet (s) whether a family who
wished to marry off a young girl should ask her permission, and he said: Yes,
her permission should be sought.' (Muslim.)
Imam Nawawi:
`The woman
has a right over herself concerning marriage, and her guardian has a right over
her concerning marriage; but her right takes precedence over his. If he wishes
to marry her to someone of a proper background, and she refuses, then she cannot
be compelled; while if she wishes to marry someone who has a proper background,
and her guardian refuses, he will be compelled to submit to her wishes; and if
he persists in his refusal, the qadi is authorised to give her away in
marriage in his stead.'
BEATING.
See under `Corporal Punishment'.
BODY ODOURS. Underarms,
underpants, and feet. Keep them sweet. See `Cleanliness'.
BREASTS. An important erogenous
zone (see Chapter 10). If they get sore, rub in
`Masse' cream, available at any chemists.
BREATH. Some people have an
awful problem here, especially smokers and pan chewers - and they may not
realise it. First thing in the morning is another dangerous time for bad breath.
All married Muslims have a duty to make themselves as palatable as possible for
their spouses. Newlyweds might like to keep a packet of mints under the pillow,
to be sucked on waking. Keep a miswak handy, and use it regularly. Smokers,
especially pipe smokers, should do something about their breath before they
attempt to have sex. Islam strongly condemns smoking anyway, and getting married
would be a good opportunity to give it up!
CELIBACY.
The Sunna of the Prophet (s) was marriage, and he regarded total celibacy as
unnatural and against the will of Allah. Anas ibn Malik recorded the case of a
man who decided that all troubles were caused by marriage, and so instead of
marrying he would pass his life in prayer. When this came to the attention of
the Prophet (s), he said: `By Allah, I keep nafl (optional) fasts, but I also
discontinue them; I pray at night, but I also sleep; I also marry women - and
this is my sunna. Whoever shuns my sunna is not of me.' (Bukhari.)
`O
young people! Whoever among you is capable of sexual intercourse should marry,
for that is more modest for the gaze and safer for the private parts; and
whoever cannot, should fast, for that is a form of castration.' (Muslim)
A'isha
recorded that he said: `Nikah (marriage) is my sunna, and he who shuns my sunna
is not of me.' (Muslim)
`Anyone who refuses to marry is shirking his farm-work, wasting the seed, and
leaving idle the appropriate tools created by God; he sins against the purpose
of creation and the wisdom visible in the evidence of natural structure. The man
who refuses to marry has severed a chain of being, a previously unbroken chain
linking his own existence to that of Adam.' (al-Ghazali)
A
bachelor once asked Imam al-Ghazali: `Which should I choose: marriage, or
total devotion to God? 'Both', he replied.
It is
related that after his death, the pious bachelor Bishr al-Hafi appeared to
someone in a dream, and was asked: `How has God treated you? 'I have been given
a high rank in the Garden of Paradise,' he said, `and was allowed to look upon
the stations of the Prophets; yet I never attained to the ranks of the married.'
When asked what had become of Abu Nasr al-Tammar, he replied: `He has been
raised seventy degrees above me.' People were surprised, and asked how this
could be, and he answered: `He earned that by his patience with his little
daughters and his family burdens.'
Celibacy of the unmarried is to
be solved by marrying someone suitable as soon as possible, in the light of
one's financial circumstances, while widows and divorced people should try to
remarry.
CHILDREN. These should always
be welcomed and wanted. It is irresponsible to bring into the world children who
will be hurt because they are not wanted. This is one of the things you have to
think most carefully about even before you get married, because it is all too
easy to get pregnant very quickly, even on the wedding night, and your families
may well put pressure on both of you to do this. See `Contraception'; and also
the texts by Silma Buckley and Dr. Alia Schleifer mentioned at the end of this
book.
CIRCUMCISION (khitan).
According to some madhhabs, this is not completely obligatory for adult male
converts, but it is nevertheless a very strong sunna. An uncircumcised penis
quickly accumulates smelly material under the foreskin, and medical studies have
indicated a connection between failure to circumcise and cancer of this organ.
`Female circumcision' of the
type practiced by some people in Somalia, Egypt and some other African countries
is a mutilation forbidden by Islam.
CLEANLINESS. This is one of the
basic aspects of Islam, and has been likened to half the faith. (Hadith in Ibn
Hanbal.) It is certainly vital to marriage, as we saw in Chapter 10. The Blessed
Prophet recommended ten things as being part of the fitra:
`Cutting
the hair close on the lips, letting the beard grow, using the miswak for the
teeth, cleaning out the nose, paring the nails, washing out the base of the
fingers, removal of the hair in the armpits and pubic areas, washing the
affected parts after a call of nature, and the rinsing of the mouth.'
(Muslim.)
Some people need reminding of
the obvious point of adab that not all of these cleansing activities should be
done in public. People who have shaved off a large amount of hair in the bath or
shower should remember that it can clog the drains. The Prophet's preferred
method of disposal of haircutting's and nail parings was burning or burial,
since these are part of the human body, and should not be discarded with
ordinary filth and rubbish. See also `Washing' below.
COIL. See
I.U.D.
COITUS INTERRUPTUS. Some people
use azl - `coitus interruptus' (the male withdrawing from the female just short
of climax) as a form of birth control. It is very unreliable. The Blessed
Prophet allowed it as a method of contraception, but only with the wife's
permission.
Some men practised it when their
wives were suckling children, so as not to risk impregnating them again to the
detriment of the baby. Others used to practise it when their wives were
pregnant, superstitiously fearing to harm the unborn child (in fact, there is no
evidence that sex during pregnancy is dangerous). Usama
narrated that a man once came to the Prophet (s) and said: `O Messenger of God,
I withdraw from my wife during sexual intercourse.' The Prophet (s) asked why,
and he said that it was that he might not harm the child. The Prophet (s)
replied: If there was any truth about harming the child, the people of Persia
and Byzantium would suffer the same harm.' (Muslim.)
The Caliph Umar said it should
never be done without the wife's permission; and the scholars hold that this
applies to all forms of contraception.
CONDITIONS (shurut). When a man
marries a woman he takes upon himself certain conditions as duties, of which the
Shari'a specifically mentions kindness, financial maintenance, clothing, sex and
accommodation, all in accordance with the woman's background and normal
expectations. If he fails to comply, he is sinning and the wife can take him to
an Islamic judge to force him to mend his ways. If she lays down additional
conditions for her marriage before the actual ceremony takes place, he must
honour these also, as long as they do not invalidate any Islamic principle.
According to the madhhab of Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, the
bride can make it a legal condition of the marriage that the husband will not
take a second wife. (Nawawi, Sharh Sahih Muslim, IX, 202.)
`The
condition most deserving to be honoured is that through which you make private
parts halal for you. (Hadith in Muslim.)
CONDOM. If you are using these
as your only method of contraception, remember that they easily split, burst or
slip off, and there is quite a high rate of accidents. If you really don t wish
to conceive, use a spermicide as well, or some other halal contraceptive.
CONTRACEPTION. This is important
if you do not want twenty children! There are numerous methods, and you should
consult your doctor for advice. Islam is not against any method of contraception
that prevents the conception of a child, but it is against destroying a foetus
once it has life. Choose a method that suits both partners, not just one of you.
Contraception should always be done after consultation.
If the wife chooses to go `on
the Pill', remember that there are sometimes side effects, and that it is not
always advisable to take a drug over a long period of time. Taking the Pill is
often recommended for new wives because it is relatively safe and foolproof, but
doctors often recommend taking a break from it after a couple of years.
Some varieties of the Pill are
not permissible in the view of those madhhabs that regard all abortion as
sinful, as they cause the fertilised egg to be dislodged and lost, which is a
kind of early abortion. `Morning after' pills are of this type, killing the
embryo after fertilization has taken place.
Taking the body temperature
regularly can indicate the times when ovulation is most likely; and avoiding
these times is the most natural method of contraception. However this `rhythm'
method is notoriously unreliable - and because of its favour among Catholics it
has been nicknamed `Vatican Roulette'. Remember, too, that most women feel most
sexual desire at the very time when they are ovulating, so other means must be
taken if they are to have a satisfactory sex life.
CONTRACT. An Islamically-valid
marriage requires the fulfillment of five obligatory conditions: (1) the consent
of the guardian (or in his absence, or unjust refusal, the qadi); (2) the
consent of the man and the woman; (3) the agreed-upon dower (mahr); (4) two
Muslim witnesses of good character (shahiday adl); (5) an `offer and immediate
acceptance' (ijab wa-qubul) using the word `marriage' or `wedding'. Practices
which are sunna but not obligatory are: (1) the engagement proposal (khitba)
made earlier to the guardian or in his presence; (2) the religious speech
(khutba) before the marriage; (3) the bride and groom should see each other and
learn about each other before consent is given; (4) friends and relations should
attend the ceremony; (5) the couple should intend `upholding the Sunna,
preserving modesty and seeking offspring'; (6) the ceremony should ideally take
place in the local mosque and during the month of Shawwal.
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. The
Prophet (s) did not forbid a man from giving instructions to his wife, as long
as these were in accordance with Islam, or from giving his wife some form of
physical discipline - even though he himself never struck any of his wives.
However, this did not mean that a husband was allowed to beat his wife for
things like burning the dinner, or forgetting something she should have done, or
simply because he was in a foul mood!
There is one Quranic verse that
grants husbands permission, but it states that this is only in cases where they
genuinely fear nushuz (`rebellion', which in this context means treating the
husband with arrogance and refusing the marital bed as a permanent principle,
not just the odd occasion when the woman might have been ill).
`Men are the protectors and
maintainers of women, through that in which Allah has given one more than the
other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous
women are devoutly obedient, and guard in absence what Allah would have them
guard. As to those women on whose part you fear
rebellion, (first) admonish them, (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last)
beat them; but if they return to obedience then do not seek against them any
(further) means.' (Quran, 4:34)
The
Prophet referred to this verse in his Final Sermon. He said:
`Hear
me well! Treat your women kindly, for they resemble prisoners in your hands ...
if they are guilty of flagrant misbehaviour, you may remove them from your beds,
or beat them, but do not inflict upon them any severe punishment! Then, if they
obey you, do not seek against them any (further) means. Hear me well! You have
your rights over your wives, and they have their rights over you!'
The idea
of punching or beating up a woman was totally repugnant to the Blessed Prophet,
and belonged to the attitude towards women shown in the time of Jahiliya, or of
societies where the consumption of alcohol was widespread. The hadiths tell us
that he laughingly suggested that if a husband was obliged to spank his wife, he
should use a miswak, the soff stick which Muslims use to clean the teeth
(Tabari, Baghawi) or even a handkerchief (Razi).
A balance has to be struck
between being a responsible male caring for a partner's earthly life and eternal
fate (in trying to make her do the right thing), and allowing her the freedom to
be herself -for in the end, her fate will be of her own making. It is obvious
that when this permission was abused by violent men, the Prophet was very quick
to listen to the complaints of the wives and rebuke the husbands.
Ibn
Sa'd, for instance, comments that `the Prophet (s) had always persisted in his
opposition to the beating of women. And men came to him to complain about their
women; then he gave them permission, but said: "I cannot bear to see a
quick-tempered man beat his wife in a fit of anger."' (Ibn Sa'd.)
The Prophet
(s) also said: `How can any one of you beat his wife as he might beat a camel,
and then expect to embrace her at night?' (Bukhari and Muslim.)
According to other hadiths, he appears to have forbidden the beating of women
completely: `Do not beat Allah's handmaidens! ` (Abu Daud, Nasa'i, Ibn Maja,
al-Hakim.)
Put together, all these sources
suggest that beating, if it has to be done at all, should be a last resort to
punish a wife for some major sin, such as adultery. It is the final
manifestation of the husband's authority, not the first; a deterrent aimed at
holding the marriage together.
DAUGHTERS. In some Muslim
cultures influenced by non-Islamic traditions, these are welcomed less than
sons. This attitude is condemned by Allah. Islam criticises the pre-Islamic
Arabs by saying:
`When
one of them receives the good news of [the birth of] a female, his face remains
darkened, and he is angry within. He hides himself from the people because of
the evil of that of which he has been given good news: Shall he keep her in
contempt, or bury her beneath the earth? Evil indeed is their judgment.'
(Qur'an 16:58)
`A man
who has three daughters, and who maintains them and treats them well until God
makes them independent of him, to him God will grant the Garden irrevocably,
irrevocably, unless he commits an act which is unforgivable.' (Hadith from
Khara'iti)
`A man
should not be too overjoyed at getting a boy, or unduly sad when he is given a
girl, ,for he cannot know which of them will turn out to be the greater blessing
for him. How many fathers of sons wish they had had none at all, or girls
instead! In fact, girls give more peace, and the reward they bring from God is
more bountiful.' (AlGhazali)
DOMINANT MALES IN BED. Most
women rather like their men to be dominant, so long as they know they will not
be forced to do anything they would not wish to do. Many wives enjoy quite
`rough' sexplay, being `forced' (in a pretence situation) to comply with a
husband's wishes - it can be quite flattering! Some even enjoy being spanked if
`naughty'. However, remember that other women would not like this at all. It is
not safe to assume that when your wife says `No' she really means `Yes'. Every
man has the right to be the leading partner in his marriage, and there are
few women who really appreciate `soft' men, although they may never care to
admit the fact! However, men should always be very careful to observe where to
draw the line, and never hurt their wives. There is always a difference between
fun and cruelty, and Islam has no place for torture and abuse.
DOWRY. In the Subcontinent, the
practice of giving dowries to the bridegroom or his family is on the increase
among Muslims, but this habit is hardly known elsewhere in the Islamic world,
and is almost certainly a borrowing from Hinduism. According to the Sharia, it
is the man who has to give a wedding-gift, not the other way around, the idea
being to make him take the marriage seriously, and to provide her with some
financial security. The practice of the Companions was to hand this mahr over at
the time of the marriage itself. See also `Weddings' below.
DRY PARTS. A frequent cause of
painful intercourse in women, and hence of marital stress. It can be caused by
nervousness, illness, or inadequate foreplay. Lubricants such as `KY jelly' can
be bought over the counter in any chemists.
EGO (nafs). This is the biggest
problem of all. Nothing in Islam is easy until the lower and selfish desires of
the nafs are under control. Happiness and fulfillment in marriage come about
through making sacrifices for the sake of spouse and children; and such
sacrifices will be painful and perhaps even impossible if one's own ego
regularly wins its battles against mind (aql) and spirit (ruh).
There are many ways of
controlling and weakening the nafs. The first is observing its activities, and
cutting down on things it is strongly attached to, such as laziness, suspicion,
or even certain types of food or TV programmes. Fasting can be a real help here.
It is also important at the end of every day to think back over one's actions,
and consider how to rectify obvious faults and acts of selfishness. Saying each
prayer at the beginning of its time, and regularly reciting the Holy Quran and
any wird or wazifa you may have, will also help to grind down the ego, and
replace its darkness with light and ease in the heart. `And as for him who fears
the standing before his Lord, and forbids his nafs its whim, assuredly the
Garden shall be his place of refuge.' (79:40)
FANTASIES. Almost everyone has
these. Sexual fantasies in dreams are not sinful, just the workings of an active
imagination. No one could be held to blame for the content of their dreams,
since this is out of their control. They are only harmful if they become a major
part of your waking life so that they damage your partner, or turn into an
obsession that makes a normal relationship difficult.
A good Muslim will obviously try
to live in reality, rather than in a fantasy. He or she will try to avoid
consciously fantasising about something that is forbidden in Islam, even though
thinking about doing something but not doing it is not considered a sin.
Fantasies can sometimes prove
useful as mental stimulants when a marriage is growing stale. But it is not
always a good idea to reveal your fantasies to your partner - they could well
have a good laugh at your expense, or, alternatively, feel threatened by them if
they think that the spouse is getting bored or disappointed.
FATHERHOOD. This usually comes
as a shock the first time round. Couples are often unprepared for the sheer
exhaustion, if they are not in an extended family situation which can ease the
strain. Babies cry a lot, need feeding at night, and so on. Things are never the
same again - you cannot put the clock back. To make matters worse, babies often
come along just at the time when the husband is trying hard to get on at work.
Although these days there are various aids to help busy mothers (like disposable
nappies), the decline of old-fashioned family life means that there is often no
doting granny or aunt to help look after baby, and the stress for mothers can
seem overwhelming. Many new mothers feel tired and sometimes depressed as a
result, just when everyone is expecting them to be bouncing around with
enthusiasm. Actual physical help and a lot of sympathy and love are the Muslim
husband's duty. Also, men have to realise that the experience of childbirth is
so total for a woman that her feelings for him may be pushed into the
background, and although it is foolish for a man to feel jealous of his own
child, this often happens. A Muslim woman tries to ensure that her husband is
not neglected, and that he shares her love for the baby. It is very important
that the husband picks up and loves the child, helps to nurse it when sick, and
generally relates to it. A wife should not be expected to recommence intercourse
with her husband for at least six weeks, and even then, if they are both too
tired, it is important to reestablish a loving and private relationship that is
consoling and tender.
FOOT MASSAGE. This is sheer
delight for some people, and torture for others. It can also be highly
beneficial to the health - get a book on massage or reflexology, or go on a
course.
FRIGIDITY. Women appear frigid
when they do not wish to make love to their husbands. This is not normally
because they are frigid, but because they are unhappy about their spouse for
some reason. It could be because the husband always waits until the wife is too
tired, or fast asleep; or because he is not very clean, or his breath smells, or
he does not bother to prepare his wife for lovemaking, or because sex has become
painful to the wife, or something of a chore. It is the duty of a Muslim husband
to be alert to the needs of his wife, and act with sensitivity. (Remember, when
your wife won't speak to you, she is trying to tell you something!) If men could
talk to their wives, and listen to what they say, so much female frigidity could
probably be defeated once and for all! See Chapter 10, and
Chishti, The Traditional Healer, 285-93.
GENEROSITY. The Holy Quran
warns frequently against niggardliness. Good Muslims
`prefer others over themselves, though theirs be the greater need.' (59:9)
Remember your spouse regularly, and offer gifts and surprises. A Muslim wife
will always be on the lookout for little ways to treat her husband - husbands
should try to return the compliment. Some men will go to any lengths to impress
wealthy male friends, and yet cannot bring themselves to buy their wives a box
of sweets!
`Whatever
you spend for the pleasure of Allah, you will be rewarded for it. You will be
rewarded even for that morsel which you put in the mouth of your wife.'
(Bukhari and Muslim)
`The
dinar you have spent in the way of Allah (is the one used) to liberate a slave,
to help the poor, or on your wife and children; while the one that fetches the
highest reward is the one you spend on your wife and children.' (Muslim)
`Give
the worker his wage before his sweat dries!' (Muslim)
G-SPOT. See page 100.
HEAD MASSAGE. Another delightful
way of expressing your love and care.
HOMOSEXUALITY. This is not
allowed in any revealed religion. We should recognise, however, that a few
people do have a mental inclination towards the same sex, and the evidence is
growing that this is often due to a defect in the chromosomes. Every human being
is a mixture of male and female traits, and sometimes a person is born with an
inner balance unsuited to his or her physical characteristics. Nowadays, when
the distinction between male and female character is being increasingly blurred
in the population at large, homosexuality is becoming more socially acceptable
to the secular mind. This is no justification, of course, for committing what is
the most unnatural of all human acts; but Muslims have to recognise that a
person struggling for self control deserves approval. The increasing recognition
of this tendency as a genetic rather than a purely moral problem holds out hope
of medical treatment, as technology advances; and the day may not be far off
when all human beings can benefit from the delights and responsibilities of
parenthood.
`What
- of all creatures do you come unto the males and leave the spouses which your
Lord created for you? Assuredly, you are a people who transgress the limits.'
(Quran, 26:165-6)
`Do
you approach men in lust rather than women? You are a people that are ignorant.'
(Quran, 27:54-5)
HOUSEWIFE. Never say that a
woman is `only' a housewife. This infuriates every woman. It is a massive,
demanding job, sometimes without a break for sixteen hours a day, and there is
no retirement age. It requires intelligence, forethought, compassion and skill,
and should never be thought of as inferior to so called `real' jobs outside the
home. In fact, it is usually more difficult. If a man is lucky enough to have a
housewife, he should appreciate her as one of life's greatest treasures. The
sunna of the Blessed Prophet was to help his wives cheerfully: he helped with
the less pleasant `chores', and lived in appreciation and respect for his wives.
(See pages 22 and 56.)
IMPOTENCE. For the penis to
become erect the blood-vessels inside it must be relaxed to allow blood to flow
in. If they cannot relax, either because of tension or disease, erection cannot
occur. Nearly all men experience this at some time or other, and if is
recognised as a particular problem in stressful modern societies. It may be that
a man is too tired, or anxious, or his mind is full of something, or he may
simply be ill. It is the duty of a Muslim wife to be very patient, and not act
in a way that would upset the husband or make him feel like a failure, since
that would make the problem far worse. Wives should not stress their husbands by
making demands of them at these times, but should show that they still
appreciate and respect them, perhaps by some tenderness that does not lead to
full intercourse. In most cases, the husband will soon pick up again. A good
Muslim wife has the duty to ensure that her husband's diet is adequate and that
he is generally in good health. She will also encourage him to take regular
exercise. For some Islamic herbal remedies see Chishti,
The Traditional Healer, 276-8.
Husbands with recurrent
difficulties of this sort should pluck up the courage to see a doctor, as the
cause is often a disease of the arteries, and there are new `conventional'
treatments available such as Prostaglandin E 1 which are frequently very
effective.
I.U.D. (Inter-uterine device, or
`coil'). This is a plastic loop inserted into the uterus by a doctor, and left
in place for long periods of time. It can sometimes be expelled or be painful,
and it needs renewing every two years. Not usually recommended until after
bearing the first child, and not recommended in Islam because it allows
conception to take place but then prevents the embryo from embedding itself in
the wall of the uterus.
JANABA. The state between
sexual emission or penetration, and ghusl. It is permissible to sleep, eat, and
do most things in this condition, but not to touch the Quran, or to mention
sacred words and phrases more than is absolutely necessary.
KISSING. A few cultures do not
seem to include kissing in their sexual repertoire, but most people find it a
vital part of lovemaking, especially in the preliminary stages. The Blessed
Prophet once rebuked a man who claimed he had never kissed his children; and the
case of a man who never kisses his wife will presumably be similar. There are
many different kinds of kissing, and they all require a clean mouth and teeth,
and fresh breath (remember your Miswak.). Muslims should not inflict kisses on
their spouses which are distasteful to them, and both should realise that there
are skills to be learned. The kind of behaviour seen in films may be distasteful
to them, and sexual kissing and petting (as opposed to the kiss of the relative
as part of a greeting) should not be done in public.
LOOSE TALK. Never speak about
your intimate life to another person, unless you are seeking medical help. Loose
chatter about intimate things is extremely damaging, and you will never know to
whom these secrets will be passed on, or when they will return again to
embarrass you.
`On
the Day of Judgment the lowest person in the sight of God will be the man who is
intimate with his wife and then broadcast her secrets.' (Hadith in Muslim)
`A man
should never discuss sexual matters with any of his wife's relatives.' (Imam
al-Nawawi, Sharh al-Arba'in)
MALE EGO. A husband should
recall that he is not making love to his own ego, but to his wife. He has an
unconscious need to impress himself, but he will be more impressive if he
listens to his wife, and works with her as a team.
MAKING UP. Ending a row can be
the sweetest moment in a marriage.
`If a
woman, on her husband's being displeased, says to him that she will not sleep
unless he is pacified and her hand is in his, she is deserving of Paradise.'
(Hadith in Tabarani)
MASOCHISM. There are many women
and men, especially, it seems, in Anglo-Saxon and Protestant cultures, who
cannot achieve orgasm without the fantasy of beating or being beaten. (See `The Role of Muslim Women in Society', Afzalur Rahman,
Seerah Foundation, 1986, pp.416ff, quoting Dr Norman Haire in the Encyclopedia
of Sexual Knowledge, p.315.) Where this is only `token' in nature, rather
than a real desire to be tortured and abused (something which requires spiritual
and medical attention), it can on rare occasions enhance a marriage, when the
partner is kind and considerate as regards the fantasies of the other.
MASSAGE (tadlik). This is a
wonderful part of marriage, very important in the traditional Islamic world, and
all couples should buy a book or go on a course to learn it. Obviously it should
be a two way act of love. It is not right for the husband to accept his wife's
labours on his behalf, and not be willing to return the compliment.
See `Head massage', `Foot massage', and `Treading.'
MASTURBATION (istimna').
Although the Prophet (s) advised fasting to develop will-power and weaken the
sex drive of unmarried people, this is a common (albeit very private) practice
among young people who have not yet married. It seems to be particularly common
in societies where marriage is left late. Most Muslim scholars permit it in the
absence of a legitimate partner to satisfy one's desires. For instance, Imam Ibn
Hanbal and Ibn Hazm allow it for those who fear that without a sexual outlet
they might otherwise commit adultery or fornication, such as those financially
unable to marry, prisoners, travelers, and others (both men and women) without
access to a legitimate partner.
Masturbation should not be
necessary once a person is married, but in some cases it persists. On occasion,
where birth control is not available, men can get into the habit of some form of
masturbation instead of intercourse, so that their wives do not get pregnant.
Many men do not realise that if they choose deliberately to come to climax
outside the wife's vagina, then this is really a form of masturbation. The
Prophet (s) recommended that this be done only with the wife s permission,
because it will leave the wife open to possible temptation to zina if her
husband is not satisfying her. And some women get so little satisfaction from
their husbands that they secretly carry out these rather sad practices rather
than tell them and hurt their feelings or risk rejection.
MEN UNUSED TO WOMEN. If a man
has not had to live with sisters, he will often be quite taken aback by female
`trappings', such as tights hanging up in the bathroom, or girl's underwear on
the radiators. The most important woman in his life has been his mother, and he
may expect his wife to have the same habits and views, opinions on going out to
work, looking after husbands, and so on - in which case living with a modern
young woman may come as a shock! Worse, if his mother spoiled him, he may be
completely untrained, and may even have treated his mother rather like a
servant, and now expects his new wife to endlessly run round after him picking
things up. A good Muslim man takes on marriage as a new form of living, and
should be willing to be sympathetic, to be helpful, and to adjust to the new
situation. A Muslim wife recognises that in some ways men nowadays always remain
boys, but it is her duty to make him take responsibility for himself and his
children - she is not his slave!
`Make
things easy for people, and do not make them hard; cheer people up and do not
rebuff them.' (Hadith from Muslim.)
MENSTRUATION. See `Periods'.
MODESTY (haya'). Most Muslim
women are extremely modest -the Prophet (s) said that `modesty brings nothing
but good' - and so do not like to be looked at when nude. Have respect for your
wife's feelings, and allow her to retain some clothing or put out the lights if
she feels happier that way. Otherwise, she may be very inhibited and unhappy.
Similarly, some Muslim men prefer to retain some clothing when in the bedroom.
There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this. Others enjoy complete nudity, which
is acceptable also. The scholars hold that is permissible to look at the private
parts of one's spouse. (See page 88 above for more
details.)
`When
anyone from among you wishes to have sexual intercourse with his wife, he should
pull a cover over him, and they should not be naked like two donkeys.' (A
weak hadith in Ibn Maja)
NAGGING. The idea is to wear
down the partner by continually going on about something. It rarely works, is
never attractive in either partner, and can push a marriage onto the rocks
because of one partner's tireless campaign to change the character of the other
rather than loving them for what they are. The Prophet (s) disliked nags and
gossips, and those with caustic tongues - no matter how religious they were.
A man
said: `O Messenger of Allah, such-and-such a woman has a reputation for praying
to an enormous extent, fasting and giving charity, but she harms her neighbours
with her tongue.' He replied: `She is of the people of Hell.' Then the man
mentioned another woman who didn't fast or pray much, but who `gives a piece of
curd as sadaqa, and does not harm her neighbours with her tongue.' He replied,
`She is of the people of Paradise.' (Ibn Hanbal)
And remember that your spouse
is your nearest 'neighbour'!
MOTHER. Men need to remember
that a wife is not a mother. A young woman just starting out is not likely to
have all the social skills of the older woman. A good Muslim mother will have
sat the bride down and given her a few clues and tips as to things that will
please her husband - but it is not her place to `push in' or become interfering
and a cause of stress or rivalry. The Muslim man, while honouring his mother,
should not make his wife resent her, but should help her to acquire the skills
so that she will in her turn learn the art of motherhood herself.
`O
Messenger of God, to whom should I be loyal and good? 'Your mother.' `And then
whom? 'Your mother.' `And then whom? 'Your mother.' `And then whom? 'Your
father.' (Tirmidhi)
OVULATION. >From the onset of
puberty (usually when a girl is about 12 or 13) the female releases one `ovum'
(buwayda, egg-cell) every month, and this continues until she is between 45 and
50 years of age (the 'menopause'). If the ovum is not fertilised by male sperm,
the ovum and the lining of the uterus come away as blood (a 'period'). Most
women ovulate every 28 days, but some have cycles as short as 21 days. See
`Periods'.
PERIODS (hayd). New husbands
often haven't got a clue about these. The matter should be explained to them, or
they may get worried and upset, and not know how to sympathise with the wife's
symptoms. Husbands need to know that the wife may bleed from 3 to 7 days in a
period of time roughly corresponding to the lunar month, and that she may well
be extra tired and weepy at these times. Women frequently suffer from PMT
(pre-menstrual tension) for anything up to a week before their period starts. If
they do, they are likely to be bad-tempered, depressed, illogical, and suffer
from psychological disorders, and some are even at extra risk from things as
serious as driving accidents, or moral disorders such as temptation to theft,
etc. Sympathy is the best thing to offer - and make sure the wife has had
medical advice. It is quite normal for doctors to recommend cutting down on salt
(to limit water retention and bloating).
Some women also experience
considerable physical pain at this time, and become sick and faint. Do not
suffer in silence - go to a doctor.
A woman is not `dirty' during
her period time unless she does not wash; the Prophet (s) recommended keeping up
close contact with a menstruating wife, so that she did not feel hurt or
rejected. His advice was to make sure she was well-covered between the navel and
the knees, and to caress and enjoy her without penetration.
A man
questioned Allah's Messenger (s), saying: `What is permitted to me of my wife
when she is menstruating?' He said: `Let her wrap her waist-wrapper round
herself tightly, and then what is above that is for you.' (Malik, Muwatta')
On one
occasion A'isha was sleeping with him in one garment, when suddenly she jumped
up and left his side. The Messenger (s) said to her: `What is the matter? Are
you losing blood?' She said, `Yes.' He said, `Wrap your waist-wrapper tightly
about you, and come back to your sleeping-place.' (Malik, Muwatta')
POLYGAMY (ta'addud al-zawjat).
Islam did not institute plural marriages, but acknowledged that they are
sometimes of value, restricting the maximum number of wives to four:
`Marry
women that seem good to you, two or three or four; but if you fear that you
shall not be able to deal justly (between them), then only one.' (Quran,
4:3)
Polygamy can be a useful and
caring way of resolving serious difficulties. It can be a solution, for
instance, when a wife is suffering from a disease such as paralysis which
prevents the husband fulfilling his needs, and consumes his time with caring for
her. It can help in situations where she is of unsound mind, or has a bad
character that cannot be reformed. And in social circumstances where women
greatly outnumber men, as after a war, it can save thousands of women from being
left `on the shelf' - half a husband being preferable to none at all.
A few, however, believe that
Allah has in fact forbidden plural marriages, on the grounds that it is
impossible for a man to deal justly between co-wives.
`You
will not be able to deal equally between wives, however much you may wish to.'
(Quran, 4:129.)
Nonetheless, the fact that
polygamy was part of the Prophet's sunna makes it impossible that he could have
adopted this interpretation himself. But he counseled strict fairness in
expenditure, allowances and timesharing:
`When a
man has two wives and he does not observe equality and deals unfairly with them,
he will come before the Throne of Justice with only half of his body.'
(Hadith in Tirmidhi and Abu Daud)
The Sharia tells us that the
women should receive equal financial maintenance and be accommodated in separate
but equal homes. Obviously, it is not permissible for more than one woman to be
in one bed at any time.
A happy polygamous relationship,
perhaps a menage a trois in which one woman looks after the home while the other
is free to work without feeling guilty, can be a source of great strength to the
women. But given human nature, the pitfalls are many and varied, and no-one
should enter upon this kind of marriage unless there is a compelling moral
rather than a selfish reason for it, and the full and intelligent consent of all
parties has been obtained. Anything else is likely to end in disaster.
POWER GAMES. No Muslim, male or
female, is permitted to use or withhold sex to get their own way - either as a
bribe, or for barter.
`Gentleness adorns everything, and its absence leaves everything tainted.'
(Muslim)
`If a
man invites his wife to sleep with him and she refuses to come to him, then the
angels send their curses on her until morning.' (Bukhari)
See
`Refusing Sex' below.
PRAYER (salat). It is important
to a close relationship to pray together as much as possible. One purpose of the
salat is to bring people closer together through spiritual and physical
proximity, and this can be especially therapeutic in marriage. If also has the
effect of attracting angels to the house.
PREMATURE EJACULATION.
See pages 91-2, 100 above.
PREPARATION. Sex without
foreplay, known in the West as a `quickie', may be suitable on some occasions,
but is likely to make the wife frustrated and unhappy if practised a lot.
See pages 85-6, 99.
PRIVACY. It is fatal to have
sex interrupted by phone calls or children. Take the phone off the hook
(remember to replace it later!), and put a bolt on the door.
REFUSING SEX. Unless there is a
genuine and legitimate reason, the refusal of the partner's advances is
forbidden in Islam. It is a hurtful rejection. Men and women should realise that
sometimes the partner has a very strong urge, which may prevent sleep, and
should be kind.
The texts of Shari'a affirm that
the wife, too, has the right to sex.
If either partner is `not in the
mood', or perhaps is in deep sleep when the other partner feels amorous, it is
un-Islamic and bad manners to bluntly reject the other. Men, because of the very
obvious physical nature of their arousal, often find it hard to understand a
woman's needs, which do not show themselves so conspicuously; they should bear
in mind that the urge can be just as overwhelming and just as frustrating if not
fulfilled.
REWARD FOR SEX.
The Prophet (s) actually spoke of a man's unselfish sexual
fulfillment of his wife's needs as a sadaqa:
`In
every declaration of subhan Allah there is a sadaqa;
in every takbir, in every al-hamdu li'Llah, in every la
ilaha illa'Llah, in every enjoining of good there is sadaqa. Forbidding
that which is evil is sadaqa. And in a man's sexual intercourse with his wife
there is sadaqa. ' (Muslim)
For more
on this see pages 83-106 above.
SAFE PERIOD. Some people try to
avoid pregnancy without using contraceptives by only making love during the
so-called `safe-period' - usually the middle days of the menstrual cycle. This
is not a reliable method, and has a failure rate of up to 30%.
See page 113 above.
SCENT. This is sunna, although
the wife should obviously not use it carelessly outside the home! But some
people find the excessive use of scent by a partner to be irritating, and this
should be looked out for.
SENSE OF HUMOUR. A vital
ingredient in a marriage. According to a hadith,
`Allah's Messenger was one of the most humorous of people.' (Bazzar,
Tabarani.) Remember, it is always kinder to laugh at yourself than at
someone else. Also bear in mind that it is against the sunna to make people
laugh by making something up.
SEX MANUALS. Vast numbers of
these are now available in ordinary bookshops. Unfortunately, almost all the
recent ones are illustrated, and contain assumptions and practices which are
unacceptable in Islam. Anything published before about 1970 is likely to be
useful, stressing many of the basic questions of hygiene and morality which
Muslims share.
There are dozens of excellent
sex manuals in Arabic. Some of these are extremely advanced, far more so, in
fact, than most nonMuslim works available in the West. Many great ulema wrote
such books, including Ibn Jama'a and Ibn Kamal. Imam al-Suyuti wrote no fewer
than eight books on sexual technique! Sadly, these are not yet available in
English.
SODOMY.
See above under `Anal Intercourse'.
SORENESS. The `nappy rash' type
can be treated with baby's zinc and castor oil cream, or Drapolene. See also
`Thrush'.
SOUNDPROOFING. Children can
find it very distressing to overhear sounds of their parents in bed. Adults,
too, will not wish to be overheard by anyone. Try to arrange some kind of
soundproofing for your room to ensure privacy - shut the windows, pull the
curtains, and perhaps hang a curtain over the door.
SPORT. It is a sunna to remain
fit, and several types of sport are specifically recommended. They should not,
of course, turn into an obsession. If the husband has to play sport every
Saturday or Sunday, the wife should learn to live with this and use the time for
things she can do better while he is out of the way. Husbands - remember your
wife's good grace, and reward her!
Husbands need to remember that
wives do not always want to watch sport on TV, and have a right to see some
programmes of their choice too. Wives need to know that a real football fanatic
cannot possibly be shifted from the `box' when a particular match is on, and
will resist all pressure or temptation. There is no point in a wife trying to
prove to herself that he loves her by attempting to seduce him while he is
trying to watch the World Cup; he will only get more and more irritated by her.
She should not `bash her head against a brick wall', but make the husband
comfortable, see to his needs, and pick up his gratitude afterwards!
TEASING AND MENTAL CRUELTY. This
is not permissible. Most women get very hurt by their husband's hankering after
beautiful women on TV, videos, or in magazines. Husbands should learn the
Islamic virtues of tact and contentment, and realise that a wife is not a model
or a film-star, and may have all sorts of physical defects - but she loves you
very much, and it is bad-mannered and wrong to hurt her feelings or deliberately
make her jealous. Remember that film-stars and models are forever young and
willing to please, whereas real human women get older, have aches and pains, get
tired, and may not be overcome with enthusiasm for you. Remember that you too
are not getting any younger! And remember that you should not be looking at
those other women anyway ... (see Sura 24:30-31).
`
TEMPTATION. Just because a
person gets married, they are not suddenly made blind, or incapable of feeling a
sudden urge for someone outside the marriage. It is vital that one deals
promptly with the urge, so that the marriage partner is not hurt, the marriage
is not weakened, and the possibility of major sin is averted.
See page 63 above.
A hadith tells
us that the eye can commit zina. And as Imam alGhazali points out:
`the
zina of the eye is one of the major faults, and soon leads on to a mortal and
obscene sin, which is the zina of the flesh. The man who is unable to turn away
his eyes will not be able to safeguard himself against unchastity.'
(Disciplining the Soul)
In the Holy
Quran (24:30-1) we read:
`Tell
the believing men to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity. That is purer
for them. Assuredly, Allah is Aware of what they do. And tell the believing
women to lower their gaze and preserve their chastity ...
And the Prophet
(s) said:
`A
gaze is a poisoned arrow from Satan. Whoever abstains from it in fear of Allah
shall receive from Him an increase in faith, the sweetness of which he shall
feel in his heart.' (Ibn Hanbal)
The
Prophet Yahya was once asked: `How does fornication begin?' and he replied:
`With looking and wishing.'
No one should ever be too
confident about his or her ability to control the sex drive. AI-Fayyad ibn Najih
said: `When a man's penis becomes erect, two-thirds of his reason departs.' It
is for this reason that khalwa - being alone with a non-mahrarn member of the
opposite sex - is not permitted. Often taqwa is the only force powerful enough
to save human beings from the disaster of adultery - and it is easy to
overestimate the degree of one's own piety!
`A
leading man of Basra once went into his garden. By chance his eye fell upon the
beautiful wife of his gardener.
THRUSH. A fungal infection of
the female sex organs. Canesten HC cream is available from chemists, and will
solve the problem very quickly. The husband should also be treated, as it is
possible that he has caught if as well, and may be showing flu-like symptoms.
TIMING. It is bad manners to
leave your sexual activity until you have gone to bed exhausted. It is a kind of
insult, and a marital timebomb. People's sleep patterns are important: if a
husband comes to bed at midnight, while the wife has dropped off just after the
last prayer, midnight may feel early to him and she may be groggy if she is
woken from a deep sleep. Tempers are bound to be frayed in the morning. People
are usually either `owls' (active at night) or `larks' (active in the early
morning). If your partner is the opposite to you, you must sort out an
acceptable compromise routine. Be considerate, and compliment your spouse by
setting aside proper and suitable times for lovemaking, especially during
Ramadan. See page 94 above.
TOLERANCE (tasamuh). Remember
that husband and wife, however compatible, will always be two different people.
Live and let live - do not try to force somebody else to be what they are not;
it never works, and only causes resentment. Accept people for what they are and
love them `warts and all'. Be tolerant, forgiving, and understanding, as far as
you are able.
`O you
who believe! Some of your spouses and children can be your foes, so be careful
with them. Yet if you pardon and forgive them, Allah will likewise be forgiving
and merciful.' (64:14)
`Seek
reconciliation with those who avoid you, give to those who withhold from you,
and forgive those who deal with you unjustly.' (Hadith in Khara'iti)
`I was
sent only to perfect the noble qualities of character.' (Hadith in Malik,
Muwatta')
`You
will not be able to suffice all people with your wealth; suffice them therefore
with a cheerful face and goodness of character.' (Hadith in Hakim,
Mustadrak)
`Whichever
man is patient with the bad character of his wife shall be given a reward like
unto that which Job shall receive; and whichever woman is patient with the bad
character of her husband shall be given a reward like that of Asiya the
(believing) wife of Pharoah.' (Al-Ghazali)
TREADING. A form of massage
very common in the Subcontinent, where one partner lies face down and the other
`walks' up and down on them. It is very pleasurable and beneficial, but be
careful - the skill has to be learnt. One can usually tread successfully on
shoulders, the lower back, buttocks and thighs. Get someone to teach you, or,
failing that, buy a massage book. The person doing the treading usually rests on
a table, or has a pole (such as a broom handle) to balance with.
UNISEX. The Blessed Prophet had
a great respect for natural distinctions. He did not like men who try to
resemble women, and women who try to resemble men'. (Bukhari.) Be proud of your
gender, and ask yourself whether you have the virtues specific to your sex, as
exemplified in the lives of the great male and female Companions. There is
nothing more pathetic than the sight of `soft' modern males, who often infuriate
their wives through their lack of decisiveness and leadership. Similarly, the
decline of femininity has deprived many societies of the most indispensable
reservoir of gentleness and beauty. Keep the poles magnetised if you want real
attraction to continue between you!
WASHING. Allah has ordained
that ghusl should be carried out (a) after sexual intercourse (meaning
penetration of the penis beyond its head), or whenever an orgasm has occurred
(in men and women); (b) after menstruation; (c) after post childbirth bleeding.
(Suras 2:222; 4:43; 5:7.) This involves making a niyya, washing off impurities,
cleaning the private parts, and then pouring pure water over the entire body and
rubbing it at least once. As regards ladies' hair, three handfuls thrown on the
head are sufficient; it is not necessary for the plaits to be undone. Warm water
can be used; it is preferred to offer two rak'as upon completion.
The recorded sunna is that if a
man wishes. to have sex a second time before he has carried out his ghusl, he
should wash his genitals first. If he had a wet dream, or urinated, he should
likewise wash them before having intercourse. There are, however, some
traditions from A'isha that suggest that the Prophet (s) sometimes slept in the
state of janaba without having touched any water.
WEDDINGS. It is sunna to hold a
feast (walima) for a wedding. This is part of the duty to make the marriage
public. The Prophet (s) said: `Publicise this marriage;
celebrate it in the mosques; sound the tambourines to mark it!' (Tirmidhi.)
Al-Rubayyi
bint Muawwidh narrated: `The Messenger of God (s) visited me the morning after
my marriage was consummated. He sat on my bedding while some servant girls of
ours began to play tambourine and sang eulogies of my ancestors who had died at
the battle of Badr. Then one of them said: "And among us is a Prophet who knows
what tomorrow brings." But he said to her: "Stop that, but say what you were
saying before".' (Bukhari) .
Amir
ibn Sa'd said: `Going in and finding Qaraza ibn Ka'b and Abu Mas'ud al-Ansari at
a wedding where girls were singing, I said: "Is this being done in the presence
of you two who are companions of God's Messenger, and were present at Badr?"
They replied: "Sit down if you wish and listen along with us; or go away if you
wish, for we have been given permission for amusement at a wedding."'
(Nasa'i)
The actual form of weddings
depends a lot on cultural backgrounds, which nowadays are often very un-Islamic
in insisting on extravagance and show. The good Muslim practice is always
against ostentation or waste in any form, and true Muslim weddings are happy but
simple affairs. It often happens that young people have to defer marriage
because they cannot afford the parties, and sometimes people demand an enormous
mahr for the bride. Both practices undermine society and are un-Islamic. It is
obviously important for a bride to receive a generous mahr, as an insurance
policy in case of divorce and to ensure her financial independence. But this is
a concession to human frailty. Hadiths recorded by Abu Daud and Tirmidhi show
that the Prophet (s) forbade the giving of excessive dowries.
WET DREAMS (ihtilam). These
usually happen when people are sexually frustrated, and are a mechanism whereby
the body seeks to discharge excess sexual energy or sperm. They can happen to
either sex. Both A'isha and Umm Salama asked the Prophet (s) about this subject,
and were told it was natural. Ghusl is of course required afterwards.
WHITE LIES. The Blessed Prophet
was realistic. He allowed telling untruths in two circumstances:
`falsehood spoken by a man to his wife in order to
reconcile her, and falsehood spoken to set things right between people.'.
Writen by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood
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