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`You
shall not enter Paradise until you have faith, and you shall not have faith
until you love one another. Have compassion on those who are on earth, and He
Who is in Heaven will have compassion for you.' (Hadith in Bukhari)
Firstly, a good Muslim marriage
should show welcome. Even if the wife did not spend all her day in the home, but
perhaps had some employment outside it - even so, the Muslim home should be
ready to welcome the family and the guest.
It is the most miserable thing
in the world to come home to a dark, locked house, totally empty and bereft of
human presence -and this is particularly crushing to a new husband or a child.
Any wife thinking of taking up some kind of employment should bear this in mind.
Where children are involved, she should make some arrangement with a relative or
helper so that they do not build up a mental picture of a home where they `don't
count', where they do not feel welcome. As regards a husband, as he is an adult
he should not ignore the problems, but be able to talk the thing through and see
what the difficulties are, and be able to support the best possible solution
that is acceptable to them both.
In an Islamic marriage, both
husband and wife have responsibilities and duties, and both are individuals
responsible before God for their own Records. Neither has the right to impose or
force the other to do something against religion, or to make the other suffer.
It is no good, of course, the
husband simply feeling `hard done-by' if he wishes to accept the wife's earnings
as part of the total income of the household, but then makes a fuss if it is he
who returns to the house first, and who might, perhaps, be expected in that case
to light the oven or make the tea! Obviously, if the wife returns before the
husband, it is she who gets the `dark emptiness', and she is naturally expected
to accept this as part of the way things are. To some extent, it is not really
`part of the way things are' any more, in a society where the women are
increasingly joining the men as part of the country's workforce. This has to be
acknowledged.
The correct Islamic attitude
should always be to seek out the best way, and not insist on any code of conduct
that is going to upset either partner, or make either partner suffer unfairly.
It means that sometimes a husband may have to take the rough with the smooth, or
it may mean that the wife may find it better for her marriage not to take full
time employment, if this threatens to put too much strain on the marriage.
Everything should be considered fairly and openly.
It is patently not all right to
expect a highly intelligent woman to sit around at home wasting her life's
talents by limiting herself to housework alone. It is true that there is serious
unemployment in many Muslim societies, and a major influx of women into the jobs
market would make this much worse and leave many families without one
breadwinner, let alone two. But it is also true that the Muslim world is crying
out for female doctors, nurses, lecturers and so forth, and these women have to
undergo considerable sacrifice in order to get themselves trained, and expect to
be able to offer their services to the community in much the same way as a
trained man. It is not the duty of a Muslim man to be selfish and deprive the
community of these talented and dedicated women, and expect them to limit
themselves to the service of just one man. So many men take the talents of their
wives for granted, and stultify their possible development, which is such a
great pity, and a tragedy for society.
On another level, there are many
women who cannot cope with being confined all day with children and domestic
affairs, who long to go out to work simply to have something else to do, other
people to see and talk to, and a little financial reward at the end of it. A
Muslim man should realise that he is a lucky person indeed if his wife is happy
to devote her whole time and attention to him and his needs, and those of their
children and relations. He should count his blessings and never forget to
appreciate what a treasure he has been granted.
In many Muslim societies it is
taken for granted that a married woman will pass her life in this way, and only
someone who has traveled extensively from Muslim country to Muslim country, and
had access and the ability to observe the life of Muslim women, can comment
fairly on the enormous weight of boredom that lies over the lives of many of
these sisters.
It is not full Islam - for God
would not have given women the ability to be professionally employed if He had
intended a wholly different vocation for them. The Prophet's (s) first wife
Khadija was first his employer, while his cousin-wife Zaynab continued to work
after their marriage. She made and sold excellent leather saddles, and the
Prophet (s) was very pleased with her work. When Islam began fourteen hundred
years ago, the women around the Prophet participated in public life, were vocal
about social inequalities, and often shared decision making with him. This
continued through the golden age of Muslim civilization, when women occupied a
far more central role in society than they do nowadays. There were colleges like
Cairo's Saqlatuniya Academy which provided higher education for women, and were
staffed by women professors. The biographical dictionaries of the great hadith
scholars reveal that about a sixth of the hadith scholars in the Muslim middle
ages were women. Historians today also marvel at the major role which Muslim
women played in the medieval economy, a role made possible by the fact that
Islamic law grants a woman the right to own and dispose of property
independently of her husband, a law only introduced in the West at the beginning
of the twentieth century! But it cannot be denied that over the past three
hundred years of our history, women have increasingly disappeared from such
positions. It is our duty to try and revive the classical Muslim tradition in
this important area.
All this reminds us that true
submission to God in Islam means that each individual must do the very best
possible to make use of all their talents and abilities, for the greater good of
the community. If the person involved happens to be a Muslim woman, there is the
extra responsibility that the household and family must not suffer, and the onus
really falls on her. Any Muslim woman worth her salt will work out a
satisfactory way of fulfilling all her obligations, and any Muslim man bearing
this in mind should be supportive and sympathetic, and willing to pitch in and
give practical help when required.
The sunna of the Blessed Prophet
in this respect was revealed by his wife A'isha. A hadith in Bukhari tells us
that when asked what he did at home, she replied that he helped his wives with
their work until it was time to go out to lead the prayers. As a perfect
gentleman and the leader of the Muslim nation, he did not regard helping his
wives as a slur on his manhood.
If the wife spends all her time
caring for her home, then her man must appreciate this sacrifice and devote
sufficient time to her as reward for her efforts. He should notice what she has
done, and take an interest in it. It is not good Islam simply to take everything
for granted, and insult the wife's stalwart efforts by regarding them simply as
a man's right. A good Muslim husband will obviously not distress his wife by
going off boozing and flirting with other women, but neither should he just pop
into the house for a meal and then rush off out again with his male friends and
spend excessive hours in their company (even at the mosque), leaving the wife
alone in the evening when she might have hoped to share a little of his time.
It is a commonplace `blindness'
in many societies that only the employed people are `working', and the ones at
home are not. True Muslims should never forget that the money brought in for the
family's support is earned by a joint effort; if husbands think they are the
sole earners and breadwinners, then they should stop to figure out what it would
cost them if they lost their wives and were obliged to hire a purchasing agent,
a cook, a kitchen hand, a cleaner, a housekeeper, a decorator, a nursemaid, a
chauffeur for the children, and so on. Normally the wife saves all this expense
by doing this work herself - quite a contribution!
If the wife does go out to work,
then extra thought and organisation are obviously needed, if the home is not to
lose out. This might mean that a husband would be expected to do more in the way
of housework than he might really want to do - and in fairness, if a woman is
working long hours as well as the man, then he is a poor Muslim if he does not
do his fair share around the house.
Some Muslim men need reminding
that the various fatwas (authoritative pronouncements in
religious law) on who has responsibility for housework actually vary
quite a lot from madhhab to madhhab, and that there is no fixed and rigid
Islamic ruling in this respect. The Hanafis, for example (who include most
Muslims in Britain), regard housework as a religious obligation binding upon the
wife. Yet the position of the classical Shafi'i school is quite different:
`A
woman is not obliged to serve her husband by baking, grinding flour, cooking,
washing, or any other kind of service, because the marriage contract entails,
for her part, only that she let him enjoy her sexually, and she is not obliged
to do other than that.' (Reliance of the Traveler, tr. Keller, p.948.)
If the man is not prepared or
able to do his fair share, then other things have to be done when a woman goes
out to work: cleaners, gardeners and baby minders have to be hired to help. With
good organisation, if can be done. A Muslim wife who let her home go to ruin
while she made money outside would be at fault; but the responsibility of seeing
that all runs smoothly is up to both husband and wife. There is no point
whatsoever in a wife collapsing with exhaustion to the disgust of an
unsympathetic husband. The Islamic way is one of love and consideration, and
unselfish sharing.
Another aspect of welcome is in
the generous reception of guests, which is regarded as an important Islamic
duty. In Islam, the guest needs no invitation, even to come and stay for a few
days, though it is obviously good manners if the visitor can inform the host in
advance of his or her arrival. When guests come, Muslims should be hospitable
and generous, whether or not they expect to get the same treatment in return.
As regards the guest, you do not
know whom God will send you, or for what reason - therefore you should always be
prepared, no matter how humble the guest, or how inconvenient - and your
household should always be welcoming. To achieve this, it has to be well
ordered, with thoughtful and considerate catering.
A guest cannot be welcomed if
the cupboards are bare, and the furniture is dirty or broken down, or if the
husband and wife are seething with anger and resentment for each other.
To this end, it is very
important that Muslim men learn properly the principles of Islam when
considering both the guest and the person who caters for the guest - who is, of
course, usually the wife. It is bad manners to bring back people unexpectedly,
unless this really cannot be helped, especially in a society that has full use
of the telephone! Even then, a good guest should not expect to be entertained
lavishly if no warning has been given - for the cupboard could be bare, or the
wife could be sick or exhausted, or vitally engaged in some other planned
activity. It is one thing to welcome the guest as the `gift of Allah', but it is
quite another thing for people to impose rudely on others without thought for
their convenience. If this happens, the wife can at least console herself with
the thought that her sacrifice and good manners will be recorded to her benefit,
whereas the guest's and the husband's rudeness will have to be accounted for!
Allah has taught that although a
good wife will always be hospitable, a Muslim should not enter another's house
before seeking permission (sura 24:27-8), even from those very close to him or
her - for people in their homes may be in a state of dress or mood in which they
do not wish to be seen. The Prophet (s) said that if a man arrived home earlier
than expected he should wait, so that `the woman who
has not dressed may have time to smarten herself, and one whose husband was away
might take a bath and become neat and clean.' (Bukhari)
The Prophet (s) taught that it
was wrong to bang loudly on a door, for someone might be asleep or ill inside
the house. Furthermore, unexpected callers should not persist if they suspect
the householders do not wish to answer them. If there is no response after
knocking (or ringing) three times, the Prophet (s) instructed that the caller
should tactfully leave.
The Prophet (s) was exceedingly
generous, and encouraged Muslims to be similarly generous to guests, letting
them stay overnight if need be - but he limited this automatic right of
hospitality to three days. The principle is that no guest should stay so long as
to become a nuisance or a burden. He said:
`The
entertainment of a guest is three days, but unstinting kindness and courtesy is
for a day and a night. It is not permitted for a Muslim to stay with his brother
until he makes him sinful.' They said: `O Messenger of God! How would he make
him sinful?' He replied: `By staying with him so long that no provisions are
left with which to entertain him.'
In normal circumstances, a good
Muslim wife should never be totally unprepared, or caught without something to
offer as hospitality. At the least, the guest should be able to expect 'pot
luck', a simple drink and cake or biscuit; but should then go and not linger
excessively. The Sunna of the Prophet makes it quite clear that he always
advised giving proper warning when a guest was coming, so that the wife could
have things ready, and not be shamed by the thoughtlessness of her husband.
The second quality needed in a
Muslim home is commitment. This means commitment from both partners, of course.
It must be obvious even to newlyweds that people cannot go through life without
annoying each other, irritating each other, letting each other down in all sorts
of ways, and making mistakes. Commitment means that when things start to go
wrong, neither partner will give up and run away.
In many parts of the world
marriages are quickly broken because the partners take the view that if it
doesn't work out, then they'll end it. They regard marriages as
conditional. Where that viewpoint exists, the marriage is almost doomed
from the start, and generally produces pain and heartache.
Threatening to walk out is a
kind of blackmail that can have dire consequences. It brings insecurity,
making the partner who is to be left behind convinced that the other does not
really love them. It outs the nasty sneak feeling of being abandoned in
the back of the listener's mind. It is especially dangerous to make this
kind of threat if 'walking out' means abandoning someone who cannot cope on
their own, or returning to a foreign country.
Once two people have committed
themselves to each other, they should move mountains in order to stay together,
rather than let silly things come between them. A good rule is never to go
to bed in anger with a quarrel unresolved. Sometimes proud people find it
incredibly difficult to make 'peace terms' with each other when they have fallen
out; in a good marriage some kind of code or signaling is sometimes an enormous
help. You do not feel like falling at the feet of your spouse in abject
apology, but you do not wish to prolong hostilities. A pet word, or phrase
or gesture is what is needed as a kind of 'white flag'; when it is recognized,
it gives a chance to cool down and restore good humor. My own husband
(fresh from Pakistan) and I used to have blazing rows over all sorts of things
which often got quite frightening for me; but I always knew when the
`rough wind' was blowing over when he grunted that I was a `bloody
Englishwoman'! It was hardly a compliment, but it was my little signal that
peace was on its way, and sure enough, our arms were around each other before
very long - even if neither side refused to give in!
The third vital quality is sense
of humour, something our Blessed Prophet (s) understood very well. No marriage
will survive without it. The ability to see the funny side of things has saved
sanity and avoided bloodshed in many a tricky situation. One of the lovely
things about a successful marriage is that when the storm clouds have blown
over, one can often look back and laugh at whatever if was that had seemed such
a serious and vital matter at the time. A sense of humour helps a person to keep
things in perspective.
It helps one to cope when your
mother-in-law is breathing heavily down your neck, or when some eminent visitor
has called unexpectedly and caught you at your worst; it helps you to cope with
that apparent law of nature (actually a trial) that if it is possible for a
thing to go wrong or get worse it will choose the most inconvenient (and public)
moment to do so.
It helps you to look objectively
at what went wrong, and put your failing into perspective; most of our human
failings are pretty common, and shared by the vast majority of humanity.
Sometimes things that seemed so serious to us at the time when they happened
become just a story to be told with a laugh when you recount them later to
others.
The fourth quality is patience,
which goes hand-in-hand with tolerance and consideration. A Muslim learns to be
patient in so many ways. In the early days and weeks of marriage, young couples
are often impatient to have all the things that they were used to in their
parents' homes - but this is obviously unreasonable, unless you are very
wealthy. Sometimes it took your parents a lifetime to collect up all their
worldly bits and pieces. You are only just beginning, and you cannot have
everything in the first five minutes.
Sometimes the new husband
complains that his wife can't cook like his mother. But how does he know how
well his mother could cook when she first got married? It may be that his wife
is actually doing better than she did!
Sometimes a new wife complains
that her husband isn't bringing in the money like her father used to. But how
does she know how her father struggled when he first got married?
If you are given everything
without having to work for it, you will not value it and be thankful for it.
Nobody would. It is important for your relationship that you grow together, and
work together, and build up your home with its own particular atmosphere,
together.
There are two serious dangers
here - a `martyrdom' complex (the one doing all the work and making all the
sacrifices and/or decisions), and a `not-my-home' complex (the one who is left
out, or who chooses not to get involved). If only one of you does all the work
or all the planning, the other partner will never feel that he or she fully
belongs, and may even become resentful - which seems so strange to the partner
who has done all the donkey work `for' the other. Build your home together, so
that its atmosphere is created by both of you, then neither side will be
resentful or undervalue the sacrifice of the other.
You are no longer a single
person, but have a companion to share your life with. It takes time and effort
to blend two lives together in harmony. Many romantic stories end when the
couple get married and they live `happily ever after'. In real life, the wedding
is just the first chapter, and it is the living happily afterwards, day by day,
that presents the challenge. There is not a lot of thrill in getting up early,
going to work, doing the chores, and so on.
Like a lot of people nowadays,
you may have launched your marriage with expectations that were not very
realistic; and when these were not met, you came down with a big dose of
disappointment and dismay. Yes, it can come as a shock when you are no longer
living alone (when you can do as you like), or with a family that you have been
with all your life and are used to. You might suddenly discover that you don't
know the new person you are with as well as you thought you did. The success of
your marriage and your happiness will depend upon your willingness to make
allowances, and adjust.
Be tolerant with the other
person's ways, likes and dislikes. Give the other person room. So many marriages
are spoiled by wives or husbands clinging desperately on to their spouse,
unwilling to let them do the least little thing on their own. This can be a
terrible mistake, for no matter how much you may love that other person, you
cannot change him or her into you. There will be all sorts of things that your
partner would like to do, which he or she may not feel they can do once they get
married. This is a great pity, and brings loss into the relationship rather than
gain.
Try to organise your life
together so that you do have some space that is your own, and some activities
which are your own too. This could become of vital importance if the husband is
one of those Muslims who starts spending more and more time away on that most
innocent of pleasures - his time at the mosque. Two things are important -
firstly, that the wife can accept cheerfully that he does want to go, and that
it is good for him to do so; and secondly that the husband does not make his
trips out to the mosque an excuse to neglect his wife and family.
The teaching of the Blessed
Prophet was quite clear on this score - a man who neglected his wife was not the
`best of Muslims' and was not scoring `good points' for himself by his long
hours away from her and his family - even if he was busily saying extra
voluntary prayers. Such prayers can be said at home. It is real neglect if he is
still behaving like a single man, and is just socialising with his male friends.
Once again, a really abandoned wife might find consolation in the realisation
that she will be earning merit for coping with this distressing situation. He,
of course, will be building up sins of omission for which he will one day be
called to account.
Try not to nag. This only gives
the nagged partner an extra excuse to stay away - to avoid the nagging!
The Prophet Suleiman (as) once said `a nagging wife is
like water endlessly dripping.'
Women are often more emotional
than men, and more inclined to give vent to their feelings when they are upset
about something, and they may also feel that this is the only weapon they have.
But this kind of emotional pressure only alienates husbands, it does not solve
the problem. It is simply a wife's duty as a Muslima to point out both sides of
the situation, and leave her partner to draw his own conclusions, and take the
responsibility for his own action, or lack of it.
Think, and be compassionate,
before you criticise. Before a wife wonders where her romantic suitor has
vanished to, now that her husband takes her for granted, she should try to
understand that he maybe stressed and working hard in today's demanding
workplace to be a good provider, and struggling with his new responsibilities.
Likewise, before a husband wonders what has happened to the glamorous young lady
he married, who has `changed, now that she has got her man', notice whether she
is working hard to cook and clean, and gets tired and does not have as much time
to spend on looking attractive as before. Empathy and patient understanding are
virtues that no marriage can flourish without.
This business of patience really
leads us on to the next important quality in a marriage - trust. If you do not
fully trust your partner, then your marriage is already failing. Worse, if you
happen to know for certain that they will let you down, or do something you will
not like, then they are deliberately attacking the foundations of your
relationship.
Life partners should have a
faithfulness towards each other that no one can challenge - whether another
woman or man, or a member of the family, or a person at work, or at the mosque.
In the world outside people will say and do all sorts of things for all sorts of
motives; often they try to upset a happy marriage for no other reason than it is
happy - this being a form of destructive jealousy. If you know your partner
fully, and know their character, then you should be able to trust implicitly
that they will not behave in a manner that would let you down, and that if they
are accused of having done this, then the accusation is false.
Even, if the worst came to the
worst, and the accusation was not false, and on this occasion your spouse had
let you down, if you trust your partner you will know that he or she will be
bitterly regretting it, and wishing things could have turned out differently.
The kindest thing in this situation in Islam is to `cover the fault of your
loved one, and set it aside, giving them a chance to repent and not repeat the
misdemeanour. `Whoever conceals [the misdeed of] a
Muslim, Allah shall conceal his misdeeds on the Day of Arising. (Hadith
narrated by Bukhari)
It is in keeping with the mercy
of Allah that you should deal gently with them. If you were severe with them, or
harsh of heart, they would have dispersed from round about you. So pass over
their faults, and ask forgiveness for them. (Holy Quran, 3:159)
None of us is perfect. None of
us can claim never to have done or said something that we did not later regret.
The most beautiful thing about Islam in everyday life is its mercy and
compassion -and the knowledge that when we are sorry for the things we have done
wrong, or the things we have not done that we ought to have done, that our Lord
forgives us.
O
My servants, who have transgressed against their own souls! Do not despair of
the mercy of Allah! Truly, Allah forgives all sins; He is Oft-Forgiving, Most
Merciful. (Holy Quran, 39:53)
In Islamic marriage, we should
try to act by these same principles, and always give our partners the fullest
opportunity to make amends for their mistakes, trusting that their Islam is
strong enough for them to live according to this principle.
The Blessed Prophet (s) explained:
Believers
are like one body; if one member aches, the other members ache for it with fever
and sleeplessness. (Bukhari and Muslim)
`The
Muslims are to each other like the structure of a building. Each part of it
gives support to the others.' Then the Blessed Prophet intertwined the fingers
of one hand together with the fingers of the other. (Bukhari)
All of this is not just a
generalised teaching to all the Muslims; it is especially important to Muslims
who happen to be married to each other.
Written by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood
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